The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
