Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
