Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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