I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
