Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
