see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
