All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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