So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
