just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
