He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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