Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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