I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
