He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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