Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
