Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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