So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
