Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
