Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
