Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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