He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
