Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
