im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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