Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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