You don't have asthma, your pregnant
from now on my penis is your penis
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
