Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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