Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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