judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
