but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
