i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
