Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
