do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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