Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
