allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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