Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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