Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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