ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
