He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
