chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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