You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
