im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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