i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
