One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
