So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ladies don't puke and tell
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
