She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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