I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
