im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
