Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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