we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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