A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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