so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
